The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
A wise man once said nothing.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit