The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
You Might Also Like
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear