The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.