The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Siri, fight Alexa.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank