“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Welcome to the stomach
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.