The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.