The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You Might Also Like
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Goodnight 🐶
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell