The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
In case you needed to hear it:
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?