The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
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Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Beauty and the Beast
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Heroic Misunderstanding
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?