The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

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How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em


[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]


Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”


Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?


These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.


I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.


Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.


It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.