The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
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[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.