The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
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Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?