The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
A wise man once said nothing.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand