The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
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Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.