@wienerherzog

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

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@TheRolo

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

@ch000ch

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

@peachesanscream

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

@iwearaonesie

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

@TragicAllyHere

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

@CAshmanActor

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

@Professor_Ryan

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

@iGreenGod

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

@Laser_Cat

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

@Cornjerker78

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.