@thejessbess I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
@wienerherzog The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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@thejessbess 
@prufrockluvsong What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
@chloethesiren [Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
@amydillon When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
@theDanLawler I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
@SlimWines If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
@OpenClassMX If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
@TheBoydP Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
@daemonic3 In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
@ComicMikeV Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians