The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
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9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
😂 amazing answer
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!