@wienerherzog

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

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@thejessbess

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

@chloethesiren

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

@amydillon

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

@theDanLawler

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

@SlimWines

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

@OpenClassMX

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

@TheBoydP

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

@daemonic3

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

@ComicMikeV

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians