The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
A duv-egg? In this economy?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My new favorite headline
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.