The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
The days of good grammer has went