The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
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Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.