The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.