@AmberTozer

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

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@PopeAwesomeXIII

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

@Smooheed

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

@deegeemindi

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

@brennadine

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

@SvnSxty

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

@ADDiane

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

@Midgetspar

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

@withanewname

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.