The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

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We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.


HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern


My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.


My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.


librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh


4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?


Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.


I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments


[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.