The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Always a housemaid, never a house.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…