The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
You Might Also Like
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.