@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

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@jaden

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

@T_N_Crumpets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

@lovemydogduck

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

@xLiserx

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

@rhysjamesy

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

@sarahjoyshockey

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

@TheAlexNevil

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

@ElgatoEsmio

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

@JB4Realz

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

@impaulmccoy

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.