The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
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The clinic won鈥檛 give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Just a friendly reminder!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍馃ズ馃ズ馃拫馃拫馃槝馃槝
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn鈥檛 occurred to him to take a look at the back.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt