Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.