The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema