The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*