*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
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A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
181.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.