The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
How wrong was this guy?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.