The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00