The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know