The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
new record!
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.