The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.