The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
You Might Also Like
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter