The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
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*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
This is my cat’s medicine.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.