The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
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Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Tier 3 meme
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.