the greatest twitter interaction
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Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Jupiter
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.