The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
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9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
me irl
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I am also baked goods
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me