the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Personal question. #JustSaying
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.