Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?