the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
How times have changed.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
hmm conte-me mais
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration