The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
so i’m at the stock market right
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?