The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
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More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires