the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My background check bounced.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I can’t be the only one 😂
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered