The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
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WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Sell your car
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me driving through Toronto
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[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.