The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
You Might Also Like
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before