The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet