The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
But that’s none of my business
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Woke up against my better judgement again
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.