The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
You Might Also Like
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
i’m sure it’s fine
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
what’s really going on
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”