the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
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I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER