The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
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Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*