The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
me, after any kind of buffet.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah