The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
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what it’s like dating me:
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
one of
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.