Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

*pronounces surface like Versace*

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her