The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
You Might Also Like
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
twitter users today:
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?